lists

lately i’ve found myself making lists.
one for today, another for tomorrow,
and yet another for someday
when things get better
but even that’s just a lie
as everything
around me
collapses.

too many deaths, too many regrets
too many fights, too much bitterness
all i can do is right the ship and hold on
no room for weakness

but this heart is too soft, too kind
hopeful that things will get better
and that people will return to kindness
and maybe a little bit of
understanding
even as reality tells me
it’s just a dream.

for there’ve been too many lies,
too much manipulation, so many threats to take in
that all i can do is hope that my heart holds on
and find strength within.

rest

some people come into your life
needing no rhyme nor reason
in their presence, you feel your heart smile,
you hear your soul sing
the weight you’ve been carrying lightens,
and the tears no longer sting

suddenly you find yourself smiling
more than you ever thought possible
you find yourself feeling safe
some days, you even feel unstoppable
all because you opened your heart
when i was at my most vulnerable

so thank you, dearest friend,
for being there for me even now
after all this time, when everyone else has gone
their merry way, thank you
for being there for me when I needed
a good reminder I’m never alone.


content

i turned a year older yesterday
and for the first time I didn’t feel sad.
I felt happy and content,
as if something in my life
finally made sense,
from the relationships I made
to the ones I lost
even those that were never meant to stay.
is that why for the first time
in a very long time
i only have good things to say

connection

it was never about the sex.
it was always about connection.
it was never about the way you moved
(well, maybe a little)
it was more than a simple distraction
and as long as you’re willing to keep on going
then i’m game, too
for as long as this connections holds, baby
it’ll always be with you

discarded notes: 14

is there a secret to falling in love
or is being in lust with you
so much easier on the heart
that i should refrain
from letting my mind tell me
to stop and just go for the ride
and fall and drown,
and like a magic trick,
appear unbruised,
like new?

muse

you are my muse
and that is the truth, at least for now,
pulling me from the depths of despair
i find myself in somehow
preferring the comfort of the darkness
when there is so much light out there
until your smile, your eyes, your voice
prove the perfect snare

so keep me under your spell
for as long as you truly can
dance with me to the tune of my wildness.
be my hero, be my man
and i’ll write you until my tears run out
and i’ll need to cut open a vein
and let my fears and dreams and love spill out,
and all that my heart cannot contain.


here and now

i don’t care what you look like for i know what’s deep inside your heart
you’re a man who gives me what i need even if tears you apart

for it takes more than knowing the right words to say, it’s knowing when and why
it’s being there for me the only way you know how, your voice is my nightly lullaby

as you tell me i’m a good person and that i did my best at the end of every day
letting me rest my head on your chest as you whisper my troubles away

and even when i say bad things in anger, lashing out at you the only way i know how
you stay when you could easily leave. you bring me back to the here and now


discarded notes: 12

know my name
though i go by many
know it anyway
for it’s the only way
i know you see me
and see that beyond
the masks i wear
to protect my heart,
only you know
what lies inside
wishing it’ll remain unhurt
until the game we play
finally runs its course
and i’ll be left with nothing
but bitter remorse

rush

i rushed in
too fast and too soon
completely forgetting
to check the room.
was i wanted?
could i stay?
do you think me weird
for the things i say?
awkward, that’s me
although that’s the way
i’ve always been
too quick to jump in
too fast to trust
when will i ever learn
that some things,
like love,
you simply
cannot rush.

simplicity’ sake

i woke up to a beautiful sight today,
your face veiled in the dawning light
before losing myself in your warm embrace
remembering the words you said last night

we’ve come a long way, you and me
with each passing day building up to the next
secrets told and dreams shared
yet everything about us is so complex

but for simplicity’s sake, tell me again how i touch you
and i’ll whisper the ways you continue to change my world
how you remind me i’m worthy in so many ways
for with every word spoken or unspoken, my heart learns