how could i not know?

facebook told me it’s your birthday today
and so i quickly typed out a post to wish you
a fantastic day
but something told me to check your page first
where i found out you died fourteen months ago
and my bubble burst
how could i not know that you’ve been gone all this time
all while planning to see you again and say hello
just like the good old days…
how could i not know?

you were only forty-five, brin, way too young to go
i can still remember you telling me to stop driving
that little car while i was pregnant
oh the things you knew that i did not know
yet you trusted me all those years, too
how we laughed at the stories we both told
as we spent those afternoons believing
life had so much to offer us
as we’d both grow old
with our vices and our sins…
how could i not know?

dream

i dreamt of you last night
for the first time since you left
i felt you right here with me
so beautiful, no one would ever have guessed

how you simply walked away this month last year
from the world that could use your passion now
your tenacity at fighting for others gone
you simply didn’t see this life worth living somehow

and i’ve been angry this entire time since
for things between us didn’t end as well as we thought
you told me things i’ll never forget
nineteen years of friendship all for nought

but i dreamt of you last night anyway
you stood alone next to my bed
he wasn’t with you this time around
did he wait for you or did he simply go ahead?

maybe it was our last goodbye,
one to replace the angry words we exchanged that final day
when i begged you to reconsider continuing on
until we both ran out of things to say.


National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday