next to you

i love waking up next to you
nestled in the comfort of your arms
i love waking up to the sound of your voice
its deep tones tinged with sleep is my daily alarm

but let’s stay under the covers a few minutes more
for i crave to feel your ache
and lose myself in your need for what i can give you
until we both come apart and break.

words

you let me find
your quiet place,
and asked me
to sit with you
and in the ensuing
silence we said words
we’d never shared
with anyone before –
words of comfort,
love and so much more
words meant only
for our lonely souls to hear
as you lay your hand
over my heart and said,
no matter where i go,
wherever i may be,
just close your eyes
and find me right here.


scars

no one knows how deep our scars run
and sometimes not even we do
until someone comes and traces the marks
and to our horror, the wounds open up again
too soon

far sooner than we were prepared to staunch the flow
of not just blood, but memories and shame
the very ones that kept us scarred and broken,
long after we’ve forgotten
their names

but for your words and the sound of your voice,
this time something was different
for together with the stigma and the blame
that may have accompanied them, there, too,
was redemption

an acceptance that none of it was my fault
or my own doing, nothing i deserved or asked for.
and i can finally move on because you saw something
i long forgot, that i am worthy and i am worth
fighting for.

some days

some days i fall
and some days
i don’t.
some days
i’m the best
I can ever be
(like being your
‘good girl’)
while on other days,
i won’t.

for some days i refuse
to give you up
although some days
i do.
and other days
i tell myself
you were never mine
to begin with,
and some days,
it’s true.

and then there are days
when i wake up next to you
and i know then
i must have done
something good
for some days i fall
headfirst into love
and every single
time i do
it’s with you.

errands

i ran errands yesterday –
the post office and then a stop
at the grocery store
and as i stood in line
at the checkout stand,
i found myself looking around
at first the entrances and the exits
before realizing there’s really only one door
besides the one in the back meant only
for the employees of the store
and then i thought if it should happen
while i’m standing in line, will i even
have a chance? will he pick me
because of my color or will they
simply call it happenstance?
and then i wondered, why
is the line so slow for i need
to rush home.

can the line move any faster?
i really need to go.

check in

you checked in on me when you didn’t have to
you were honestly the last person i thought would call
but you did and for that i am grateful
for your words mean more to me than all the likes
on my social media wall.

for you took the time to make sure i was okay
even if it was already late in your day
after you had to put out fires at work and at home
you took the time to remind me
i’m not alone

that even in this crazy world
we find ourselves in right now
where there’s too much hatred and color wars
i can still count on you to be there for me
no matter where you are, no matter how far.

respite

i need a break
from all the madness,
just a short respite with you
the sight of your smiling face,
the feel of your embrace,
how they have the power to undo
the sadness that often hits me
when the days are long and hard
and the loneliness that engulfs me
when i find myself constantly on guard
from the demons circling, searching
for every vulnerability they can find,
until the sound of your voice
sends them fleeing
into the night.

discarded notes: 10

tell me again why i love you
for your voice has turned
into venom in my veins,
pulling me away from things that matter,
each word you utter now a chain
binding me to uncertainty,
my own voice drowned.
so tell me again why i love you.
tell me before i shut down.